Episode XIII: A Triple Shot
May 4, 2010
Today, as some of you might or might not know, is International Star Wars Day! I have no idea of its origins, but the last time I checked the event page on Facebook, 64,000+ people were stoked about it. I think that’s enough to make an unofficial holiday official. Even though not everyone I know is a Star Wars fan, I’m afraid I unquestionably am. And while I could tell you about the three actual things that have made my week awesome (The Descreet Charm of the Bourgeoisie, This Song, and This Book) I’d much rather tell you three interesting things about Star Wars to commemorate May 4th, 2010. The joke to day is to say “May the 4th be with you…” which I think is stupidly brilliant. I may disgust some of you with my extensive knowledge of these movies, but oh well. Make like a mynock and SUCK IT! So here we go.
1.) BOUNTY HUNTERS
If your name happens to be Darth Vader and you have a crazy-large fleet of star ships in your command and for some strange reason you can’t capture a little ship called the Millennium Falcon, then the obvious next step is to hire some help. Why you would need help, I’m not sure, but apparently you do. Who better than the wretched bounty hunters who scour the galaxy lookin’ for part time killin’? When I first saw these guys standing on the Super Star Destroyer’s main deck in “Empire Strikes Back”, I fell in love with them. They all look badass (with the exception of that bandaged asshole, Dengar) and, of course, it’s the first time we ever meet Boba Fett. I will admit that when Leia took off her bounty hunter helmet in “Return of the Jedi” I always had this hope that Boba Fett just might be female too. But then the prequels ruined my imagination by exposing Boba Fett as the only unaltered clone of his “father”, Jengo Fett. He’s not even a real person! Thanks George Lucas, you are just so cool. Anyway. The inclusion of Bounty Hunters was one of the coolest aspects of the Star Wars universe.
2.) FOOD and DRINK
In the original three films no one sits down to eat a meal. In “Empire” we see the scene with Darth Vader on Cloud City and it’s implied that Leia, Han, Lando, and Chewie all dine with him, but we never see it. Robot Chicken did an amazing what-if rendition of this dinner scene that you should find somehow. In Mos Eisley cantina and at the Beru hut, people are drinking some weird blue liquid, which looks delicious. On Dagobah, Yoda munches on Luke’s granola bar, and then Luke is treated to some disgusting stew. In “Jedi” Jabba eats squirming frog-things, and the Rancor eats pork and octopus; what a pallet he has! If Keifer Sutherland never goes to the bathroom in “24” I guess we can’t expect our heroes to take a dinner break. I mean they have to destroy the Empire, save Han, rescue Princess Leia, fight Darth, pass on Lando’s sexual advances, and blow up Death Stars. They have a lot on their plate already. Ba-dum CHAAA!
3.) DARTH MAUL
The most underused villain in any movie EVER. Although everyone in the world considers the prequel trilogy is way worse than the original trilogy, one thing we can all agree on is the awesomeness of Darth Maul. When the title of “The Phantom Menace” came out everyone was speculating on who that menace could be. I think it was meant to indicate the invisible threat of the Sith, but I’m pretty sure we all attributed that title to Mr. Maul. Why? He deserves the movie’s title because George Lucas didn’t give him anything else to do. The audience considered him mysterious, but Lucasfilm considered him just evil meat. Meat that should be cleaved in half and thrown down a garbage disposal. Folks, we got gypped. It would have been AMAZING if Darth Maul was the main antagonist throughout the entire prequel trilogy. Just imagine it: Obi-Wan would forever try to avenge Qui-Gon’s death, and start to jeopardize his own Jedi beliefs; we wouldn’t need General Grievous or Count Dooku (thank Christ); and there would finally be one solid throughline throughout the films! Other than Darth Maul dying, NOTHING HAPPENS in “Phantom Menace.” This is a tribute to a fallen hero of villains. Mauly, you will be missed.
Happy Star Wars day everyone! May the fourth be with you…