Dear Andrew Munz (Age 7).
May 3, 2010
Or I guess you go by Andy, now. Why you switched your name when you moved to Wyoming, I’ll never know. I guess people were bound to shorten “Andrew” anyway, but I guess that’s just how you roll. Way to be different, little guy! It’s been a long road (literally) but now you’re here in your new home, Jackson, WY. You and your sister Heidi are about to get your worlds rocked, but I don’t want to get ahead of myself. I want to keep this as simple as possible because, let’s get real here; you’re seven. Little skinny Andy Munz, there’s a lot I need to tell you and some of it you won’t understand. Some of it you won’t want to hear, either, but just bear with me because I promise you it’s all important. I want to give you some advice because there’s a few things you’ll be happy to know beforehand. I want to prepare you for some bumps in the road. So, keep both hands on the wheel and here we go!
When you tell kids in second grade that your family speaks German, don’t let them call you a Nazi. They don’t know what it means, and you’re better off not being their friends anyway. Those three boys who torment you the most won’t give you the time of day even after high school is over, so don’t worry about them. There are better friends out there for you, even though it’ll be close to impossible to hold on to them once you’ve graduated.
When the teachers tell you to “keep your hands to yourself” please listen to them and understand what they mean. You can prevent quite a few timeouts and a truck-load of guilt later on in life. Trust me.
Be nice to Gerhardt and stop hitting him. I know it’s weird having your sister Dagi date a creepy thin Austrian guy with sunken cheeks, but she likes him a lot. Even when she gets scared when he makes her watch “The X-Files.” He won’t be around for long, so just treat him with a little respect.
Throwing Heidi’s Pound Puppy into the toilet is cruel. Please don’t do that. You’ll love her so much later on and will apologize every time the subject of stuffed animals comes up.
A divorce is coming up when you turn eleven. I know that’s four years from now, but watch for the signs. Mom and Dad don’t get along very well, and those women that Dad is friends with? They’re not just friends, buddy. Know that whatever is coming is going to be in your best interest in the long run. You’re going to be the one to help out Mom during this dark time, so take pity on her, okay? You and Mom will have an awesome relationship because of this. And don’t worry about Heidi and Dagi. They’re going to deal with this in their own way; they’re not abandoning you. This moment will define your life, so get ready because it’s a doozy.
During this divorce you’re going to want to eat a lot to make you feel good. Dad is going to take you out to lots of fast food restaurants and you’re going to sneak cookies whenever you can. What I am asking you to do is REFRAIN! STOP EATING SO MUCH! You will grow fat and pudgy and no one will like you in school. Kids will poke you in your boy breasts and call you names. So, if this can be helped, watch what you eat. Lay off the chocolate.
On a similar note, join the soccer team. If you don’t, your love for soccer will die.
Don’t ditch your real friends for fake friends when high school comes around. They’re just crazy, brainwashed Christian kids who will abandon you when you denounce Christ in a few months. They are not your friends and you won’t even be friends on Facebook when you’re my age. I’ll explain that idiotic website some other time…
Don’t steal. As tempting as it is, don’t.
Do well in school. I know school is hard, and the N64 is sooo much cooler than homework, but seriously. Work hard and you’ll be able to get a real scholarship to learn how to become the actor you’ve always wanted to be. Mom and Dad won’t be able to pay your tuition and there’s very, very little chance you’ll see any inheritance money. So, listen to your teachers and be a good kid. School is easier than you think…
If you hear the words “hunting camp”, run as fast as you can in the opposite direction.
Even the people closest to you will lie to you. Stay strong.
Okay, I’m going on for too long, now. If there’s one thing on this list that you need to know, it’s this. Just because you’re different doesn’t mean you’re stupid. Don’t worry about what other kids think of you and always keep your head high. There’s nothing wrong with being who you are. It doesn’t matter that you like to be in plays or that you quit the baseball team. Who cares if you think you look “too normal”. Even if you do get chubby, don’t let those stupid skinny kids get to you. It’s not worth it. When you fall down, pick yourself back up, Andy. If someone throws a basketball at your face, pick it up and throw it back at them. You don’t deserve to feel the way they want you to feel.
Alright? Be a good kid and brace yourself for the future. Just remember to love. Love who you are. Love the people around you. Love what you do. Just love.
Andrew Munz (Age 22).